Let’s face it, unless you’re some kind of godless heathen you have a nice, big, robust sweet tooth. Heck, maybe you have two or three of them. But not four, which would just be ridiculous. In any event, we as people tend to love candy. Of course, like everything else in this world, candy can get a little mundane. Seriously, how many rectangular pieces of chocolate can you really take before you just say enough is enough? Give me something new and different! Well thankfully, candy makers have been listening, and they have come up with some truly unique sweets. Wait, did we say thankfully? We meant horrifyingly. Yes, that’s much better. When you see these candies, we think you’ll agree.
1. Spermies
We can’t really even top the joke that they already make in the ads for this particular treat. After all, they come right out and say “the candy you love to swallow!” These are obviously a novelty candy that would most likely be found in what we like to call an “adult pleasure boutique” and therefore are meant to be off the wall and, probably, humorous.
Frankly, we have to assume that Spermies were probably created in an attempt to get women to think that performing oral sex would culminate in a delicious treat. If that truly is the case, you have to hand it to the poor, misguided fools who created this candy. At least they were thinking outside of the box.
2. Percy Pigs
Okay, now that we’ve gotten the perverted stuff out of the way, let’s move on to the just plain gross. Percy Pigs are a popular treat in England and are basically tiny gummy pigs that come in flavors such as raspberry, cola, grape, and lemon. These items were first created in 1995, and by 2008 they were even featured in UK Vogue’s style bible as one of the hottest trends to watch.
So what makes them bizarre or gross? Well, Percy Pigs aren’t just shaped like pigs. They’re made (in part) from them. Yes, Percy Pigs contain actual pig, by way of pork gelatin. Now don’t get us wrong, we enjoy devouring ham and bacon as much as anyone, but you’ll have to excuse us if the idea that pig now comes in candy form strikes us as a little odd.
3. Uncle Urnie’s Candy Ashes
Have you ever been to a funeral where the dearly departed was cremated, and rather than sitting around looking at a big, heavy coffin, you’re looking at a big, heavy urn filled with the ashes of said deceased person? Now, have you ever once thought to yourself, “You know, I bet it’d be fun to eat those ashes”?
If you have, then you’re either some kind of horrific monster, or you’re the creator of Uncle Ernie’s Candy Ashes, a sour black cherry flavored candy that’s kind of like pixie stix, only if instead of pretending that pixie stix are cocaine (come on, you know you have – not that we condone that sort of thing, of course), you pretend they are your creepy uncle’s ashes while you scarf this “treat” down. Yeah, that’s much better.
4. Formula Pee
Or hey, maybe you’re not into eating the remains of a departed loved one. After all, you’re not a zombie…are you? Because if you are, and you’re reading this, then the zombie apocalypse is going to be much tougher to survive than we’d previously hoped. But anyway, maybe you’re training for a future life as a castaway on a deserted island, or maybe you think you’ll be stuck in the desert sometime and in need of water. And when you’re in desperate need of water, what do you drink? Pee, of course.
And if you want to train your body to believe that pee is in fact delicious, why not indulge in some Formula Pee? Formula Pee comes in an actual specimen container, just like the ones they use at hospitals for real authenticity. Thankfully, it’s a delicious tangy flavored drink. Of course, due to the whole “authenticity” thing, it lends itself to being used in a cruel, cruel joke when you swap out an actual jar of urine for this delicious candy. Oh man, we hope we didn’t just give you any ideas…
