In this age of recessions and bailouts and entire goddamn countries going bankrupt, it won’t surprise you to hear that people have less money than they used to. Whilst 98% of the general population, however, work intently on finding a solution to this problem (i.e. selling ‘unnecessary’ organs, family members, etc), the other 2% are working on the same problem but from the opposite side of the law, often with disastrous consequences.
5.
The Not-So-Great Escape
The Plan
Break into a liquor store, grab liquor, and get out without getting caught. Proceed to party the night away like a member of KISS and generally act like a character from the unreleased sequel to ‘Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas’.
Where It All Went Wrong
As so often is the case, this guy’s career as a criminal mastermind came crumbling down after he found himself caught up in a gun-blazing car chase with the grizzled one-day-till-retirement nothing-to-lose cop, Vin Diesel. Oh… apparently that’s something else entirely.
Not pictured: An accurate depiction of law enforcement
Turns out that Mr. Dumbass here never actually made it out of the store which, did we mention, was also the wrong one? Yep, instead of the liquor store, he actually broke into the neighbouring drug paraphernalia store, which to be entirely honest, doesn’t sound like such a bad compromise.
Wasterville, CA
However, he was determined to see his plan of breaking into the liquor store through, so rather than make the most out of a bad situation by grabbing what he could, he quickly hot-footed his way outta there. And if by that we mean ‘climbed on the counter, jumped at the hole in the roof and belly-flopped onto the adjacent display of glass bongs’, then yes, ‘quickly hot-footed his way outta there’.
Now with most things in life, you’re told that if at first you don’t succeed, then try, try, try again. A time when this valuable life lesson doesn’t apply, however, is when you continue to gouge yourself in the face with the remnants of a glass bong having just fallen four feet from a store counter. Unfortunately, no-one ever told this guy that failure is a valid option when faced with deep gashes and severe blood loss.
Don’t worry though, eventually he switched out of goldfish mode and the pure ingenuity setting kicked in. He realised the main reason he wasn’t getting back through the hole was because he wasn’t high enough (debatable!), and that obviously, the best way to reach the hole was to put something on the counter. So what did he choose? Yes, that’s right, a wheeled office chair.
Man, if we hadn’t already made a joke about being high, we would be now.
Predictably, the sound of an elephant repeatedly high diving into a sea of glassware isn’t the most inconspicuous of sounds and our friendly neighbourhood crook was soon caught by the cops.
4.
Cheque-ing Out
The Plan
Enter the bank, grab a ton of money, escape and wile away the rest of your days on your own private island in the company of other esteemed entrepreneurs of evil such as P. Diddy, Bill Gates, and Snooki.
Where It All Went Wrong
At least this guy succeeded where #5 failed, and actually entered the place he intended to rob instead of, say, the pet store next door.
“$10,000 of unmarked puppies in the bag, and no-one gets hurts”
If movies are anything to go by, we’re led to believe that bank robbers are all chisel-jawed, sophisticated, super geniuses who have probably been working up the criminal chain from petty theft to bank robbery in order to get the big payout. No doubt they’ve been planning this thing for several years; they’ve scoped the place out, acquired detailed building schematics, and have replaced the security guards with their own henchmen.
Now we’re truly sorry to have to do this to you, but it’s for your own good: MOVIES ARE NOT AN ACCURATE DEPICTION OF REAL LIFE! Archaeologists do not run around the jungle toting a whip/knife/gun (delete as appropriate) in search of a mysterious treasure that will add to their ever-increasing collection of money and illegally acquired artefacts, the British are not villainous monocle-wearing tea-drinking monsters, and most importantly, robbers do not look or behave like the ensemble cast of the Oceans series.
Elliott Gould notwithstanding.
Instead, in the real world we get robbers like this guy. A guy who turned up a small town bank and requested $40 million. A guy who went armed with nothing more than a small paper grocery bag to lug his haul. A guy who accepted the bank clerk’s offer of $400,000, gave her his full name so she could make out a cheque, and then deposited the cheque in his own bank account later that day. This is the real world, my friend… we’re sorry.
3.
Cat Burglar of the Baskervilles
The Plan
Conceal identity, enter electrical store in a manner similar to US Special Forces, steal some batteries, and escape unseen into the night like the goddamn Batman.
Where It All Went Wrong
If nothing else, this next guy made it so no-one would ever be able to recognise him on the CCTV footage. Why? Was it his brilliant disguise? His ability to spraypaint over the camera from 100 yards? Or was it because he stuck a potato sack on his head…and forgot to cut out some eyeholes?
“I’m no fool; they could ID me using one of them fancy retinal scans.”
As the CCTV footage of the incident shows, the robber soon came to the realisation that he was not in fact blind and that there was obviously a reason for his sudden loss of vision. And that reason ladies and gentlemen? Yes, it was because he had forgotten his flashlight…
It’s at times like these we truly wonder in what direction we’re evolving.
Unsurprisingly, the robber was soon caught by cops following several reports from concerned citizens that a blind bull may have wandered into the local electrical store.
2.
Fire Down Below
The Plan
Stealthily crack open the ATM, grab the money, and escape. Maybe get in on a time share with the guy from #4 and buy a large area of unhabited, desolate land (i.e. Iowa).
Where It All Went Wrong
Yeah, you’ve seen them idiots who hook up a gargantuan chain from their pick-up truck to an ATM, and then oh so subtly drive away with the front of said ATM scraping against the tarmac like a giant ‘thief alert’ alarm for all cops within a ten mile radius to hear.
“Oh, how’d that get there?!?”
And hell, you’re not that stupid. You want to get the cash out of that machine in a way that will draw as little attention to you as possible. That’s why you use… explosives!
Subtle, guys. Subtle.
OK, so the ground may have shuddered slightly, car alarms have started their own rendition of ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ and there’s searing metal and concrete debris flying around all over the place, but at least you got the money, right? Oh… well who knew that paper was totally flammable? If nothing else, at least you can wile away your prison term sticking back together the burnt cinders of what appears to be a one dollar bill.
1.
The Real-Life Zed
The Plan
Hold up grocery store, get contents of cash register, exit the store. Do not, repeat, do not, get distracted by the promotional display of Reese’s Pieces to the left of the counter, no matter how deliciously nutty they may appear.
Where It All Went Wrong
It’s a well known fact that the people of Texas love guns. In fact, in Texas, pretty much everyone owns a gun. Old Mrs. Wilson over on third? Yep, she’s got one. That bratty toddler that just moved in over the street? Uh huh. Hell, even Mr. Snugglebum’s packing heat…
Whatever you do, don’t call him Snuggles….
You know who doesn’t have a gun though? Yeah, you guessed it, dumbass robber number one. First of all though, we had better set the record straight on this one, because whilst he didn’t technically take a gun with him, he did at least take along the next best thing. No, not a replica, or a knife… okay, maybe it was the next best thing if you ignore the invention of all weaponry, bypass the gun-shaped fruit option and land slap bang in the middle of retardville…
Yes, those are his fingers under there.
Ah, the old ‘fingers under the sweater’ trick….no, we can’t ever think of a time outside of fourth grade when that’s worked either. If nothing else though, he must have had nerves of steel to attempt a stunt like that, right? Erm…
Well you’d flinch too if Billy Gibbons just went all shotgun on your ass…
In a rare moment of brain activity, he decided that a few dollars probably wasn’t worth a shotgun to the face and so quickly got the hell out of there. That is, he would have got the hell out of there if the store clerk hadn’t decided to have a little fun of his own and engage the automatic door lock.
‘Oh. Oh shit.’
Now in a situation such as this, many robbers would remain strong, stick to their principles and face the inevitability of what comes next. Other robbers, however, would ramble uncontrollable, beg for their life and then pay the scary Texan $10 to be let out. At this stage, we really don’t think we need to tell you what our guy did.
“Pleasure doing business with ya.”
Written by Adam Wears – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.net
Image Sources
Image sources:
- – The Not-So-Great Escape: http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/1554/paulwalkervindieselguns.jpg http://img97.imageshack.us/img97/791/3492346shoppingmanitous.jpg http://img715.imageshack.us/img715/8557/roof1.png http://img808.imageshack.us/img808/4599/roof2.png
- – Cheque-ing Out: http://27.media.tumblr.com/x3Rmp1Hjoo6sna11u2UpukvXo1_500.jpg http://img851.imageshack.us/img851/8910/jkr2.jpg http://img23.imageshack.us/img23/1723/oceans11poster.jpg
- – Cat Burglar of the Baskervilles: http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/6061/sack1.png http://img847.imageshack.us/img847/8412/sack2.png
- – Fire Down Below: http://img130.imageshack.us/img130/2035/18068x.jpg http://img820.imageshack.us/img820/2276/bomb1.png
- – The Real-Life Zed: http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/7259/snugglebums.png http://img30.imageshack.us/img30/8643/fingers1.png http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/9440/fingers2.png http://img26.imageshack.us/img26/1953/fingers3.png http://img3.imageshack.us/img3/9765/fingers4.png
