If you happened to have been a teen in the 90’s (the Beavis & Butthead age) it was certainly a “dope” time to be coming of age. If you were one of the lucky ones, your biggest problems were likely trivial (depending on which crowd you ran with).
To put things into perspective…
Back then rich kids looked like this.
“Trouble makers” looked like this.
Players looked like this.
…and nerds looked like this.
In terms of technology, we were still years away from many of the popular items of today. Instead of Xbox 360 or PS3 we rocked out on our 16 bits systems. Instead of iPods most teens simply had walk-mans. Instead of iPhones or BlackBerries we pumped quarters into payphones or just ran up our parent’s phone bill. Instead of Twitter or Facebook we simply talked to other human beings in person. Yes, it sucked.
As far as movies went, there was a variety of memorable releases which appealed to most everyone (Terminator 2, Home Alone, Jurassic Park, Friday, Pulp Fiction, Clerks…etc). However, there were also many dreadful letdowns. Apologies to those of you who had the following flicks buried deep down in the darkest corners of your minds. For the purposes of this article we will be forced to tear into those bad memories like Kristie Alley digging into a KFC Big Box Meal. Speaking of which…she was really hot in the 90’s.
Oh yeah, justify that career for me baby.
So let’s get to it already. What follows are nine disappointing 90’s movies, for 90’s teens.
9.
Super Mario Bros
The Film
– Super Mario Bros. was a 1993 sci-fi fantasy film aimed at kids who grew up on the mega popular mushroom addicted plumbers. The movie starred Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo as Mario and Luigi. King Koopa (a.k.a. Bowser – a giant spike shelled turtle) was played by the late great Dennis Hopper.
Thanks to the magic of Hollywood we cannot even tell the difference.
The Good
– $1.00 dollar movie bins would eventually be stocked with numerous copies… making stores owners fives and tens of dollars!
The Bad – This pile of cinematic excrement was a critical and commercial bomb. Its box office failure proved that even zit faced teens knew the difference between a fun game and a Hollywood cash-grab.
The Ugly
– It appears that “The Power” was the only song which existed in the early 90’s for use in Hollywood movies and trailers.
8.
Last Action Hero
The Film
–The 1990’s was clearly a decade that belonged to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was the barely understandable muscleman that had a permanent grip on the box-office. At least, that’s what everyone thought until Last Action Hero was released in 1993. The movie was Arnold’s shot at trying something a little different. It was a movie within a movie, intended as a satire of the action genre formula. Were fans ready and anticipating a movie like that? The collective answer was a resounding f*** no. Anyway, Arnold starred as Jack Slater, a clichéd L.A. detective. Austin O’Brien played a boy magically transported into Slater’s movie world and Charles Dance played the villain who (spoilers!) ultimately escaped into the real world.
What’s that Arnold sees in his mirror? Perhaps it’s an impending s***storm.
The Good
– Arnold was in top form as usual and it was somewhat interesting to see him poking fun at himself. There were also a ton of notable cameos – Sylvester Stallone, Danny DeVito, Damon Wayans, Sharon Stone, Chevy Chase, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Robert Patrick (his co-star in Terminator 2). Even MC Hammer popped in to help stave off his bankruptcy.
The Bad
– The overall concept was simply not deep enough to hold over a full length picture. The story in a condensed form may have worked better as a skit on SNL. Then again, considering the era, such a skit likely would have featured David Spade as the little boy.
The Ugly
– You name it. The film was critically panned across the board, its financial loss was $26 million, it was the first true blemish on Arnold’s movie career… it’s the very definition of a bomb. However, few people actually paid to see the movie so chances are it was no loss for you.
7.
Double Dragon
The Film
– Double Dragon was solid proof that Nintendo and Hollywood had a sinister plot against the youth of the early 90’s. This 1994 clusterf*** was based on another video game franchise involving brothers. It starred Scott Wolf and Mark Dacascos as Billy and Jimmy Lee. The brothers were skilled martial artists, which was fortunate considering they lived in an urban warzone filled with street punks inexplicably out to kill them. Although the basic concept worked great as a classic Nintendo beat em’ up, it was barely enough to pad a major motion picture. But since when has a lack of substance stopped Hollywood?
We can just picture some exec watching their kids play this game and thinking… JACKPOT!
The Good
– Getting to see Alyssa Milano of “Who’s The Boss?” fame on the big screen minus Tony Danza c***blocking our teenage fantasies with his “AYO-OH-AY!” shtick.
The Bad – The film was nothing like what we expected from the awesome (but difficult) early Nintendo games. Granted, we weren’t looking for deep plots and fleshed out characters, but this ridiculous “Power Rangers” step-twin should never have seen the light of day.
The Ugly
– It was arguably worse than the aforementioned Super Mario Bros. movie.
Here’s a slow-mo vid of Alyssa Milano in action to make things better.
6.
Batman & Robin
The Film:
Batman & Robin was yet another sequel rushed out of the gate in 1997 by Warner Brothers to capitalize on the 90’s Bat craze. It starred George Clooney, Chris O’Donnel, Arnold Schwarzenegger and many other top names. The film received an impressive 11 nominations at the 1997 Razzie Awards, including one for Worst Picture.
It was beaten by The Postman as worst picture, in case you were wondering.
The Good
– Following Joel Schumacher’s first entry into the franchise, Batman Forever, it seemed some fans were still divided on Schumacher’s direction. His second entry, Batman and Robin, thankfully insured that we’d never see another Schumacher directed Batman film ever again.
The Bad
– The film completely stalled the careers of Chris O’Donnell and Alicia Silverstone. We cannot think of anything else they have been in since 1997. We’re not even bothering to check IMDB, as it’s safe to assume this was their last acting gig. The movie also left a dark cloud over the careers of George Clooney and Uma Thurman – turning them into fodder for comedians at crappy award shows for years to come.
The Ugly
– Joel Schumacher: “We decided to do a less depressing Batman movie and less torture and more heroic. I know I have been criticized a lot for this, but I didn’t see the harm in that approach at all.”
Yes Joel – because a dark and tortured Batman flick could never be successful.
5.
Spaced Invaders
The Film:
Chances are, not many of you have heard of this sad mess of a movie which came out way back in 1990. The film had a brief theatrical run and starred no one that you’ve heard of. It was basically about a flying saucer that landed on Earth on Halloween. The saucer happened to contain four foot tall bumbling invaders who appropriately looked like discounted Halloween costumes themselves.
We’d rather just play this for an hour and a half.
The Good
– The most interesting tid-bit related to this film is that its name was a play on the video game Space Invaders. CLEVER!
The Bad
– Although the movie was marketed as a quirky comedy in the spirit of Gremlins, in actuality it was just an incoherent and humorless bore. It has also been claimed that the film is a spoof on the War of the Worlds genre. However, perhaps the fact that it sucked monkey c*** caused whoever saw it to miss that part.
The Ugly
– The film featured one alien in particular doing the worst Jack Nicholson impression of all time…
