When you get to be a big enough celebrity, you’re often asked to endorse things. Sometimes they make sense, like when Michael Jordan tries to sell you overpriced sneakers or Paris Hilton makes a commercial for herpes.
Wait, no, sorry, she actually endorsed cheeseburgers. Serves us right to make assumptions without paying attention to what the ad was selling. Anyway, some celebrity endorsements, like Hilton’s burger ad, are just a little more bizarre than others.
Dexter Holland’s Hot Sauce
You may not immediately recognize the name Dexter Holland unless you’re a diehard fan of the band The Offspring, but, well, he’s the frontman of The Offspring. We probably tipped you off to that fact at the end of that first sentence.
So what on earth could the singer of a formerly popular punk band come up with to promote? Well hot sauce, naturally. Wait, maybe not so naturally.
Hot sauce isn’t exactly the first thing you’d think of when watching an Offspring video, but that hasn’t stopped Holland from selling his Gringo Bandito Hot Sauce, which sounds vaguely racist, particularly when coupled with his logo that features Holland in a sombrero and just generally dressed in an insanely stereotypical “Mexican bandit” outfit.
Sylvester Stallone’s Pudding
Sylvester Stallone is in insanely good shape for a guy pushing 70. Hell, he’s in insanely good shape for a guy of any age.
So what’s his secret? If you answered “steroids” you’re probably right, but if you ask Sly he’d probably tell you it’s actually his high protein pudding. We should have guessed, after all, since old dudes love pudding.
Of course, the punch line to Rocky’s pudding endeavor (because Rocky punches things – get it?) is that this product has been discontinued due to a million-dollar lawsuit that suggests Sly and his business partners stole “trade secrets.” The best part here is that, apparently, there are things like “trade secrets” in the world of pudding.
Rachael Ray’s Dog Food
Rachael Ray has skyrocketed to fame as a culinary expert despite not being, well, a culinary expert. That’s not really mocking her, either, that’s pretty much by her own admission.
She’s not really all that good, and her food is based more on ease of preparation and being family-friendly. So naturally, she’s popular with moms and, most importantly, Oprah. Of course, the fact that her food isn’t known to be all that great makes it hilarious that she actually has her own line of dog food.
It’s all too fitting since we’re guessing a lot of more highly regarded chefs would say that’s what most of her dishes taste like.
Guy Fieri’s Wine
And let’s be honest, we can’t really mock Rachael Ray without taking on her Food Network male equivalent, Guy Fieri.
Look, Guy Fieri seems like a nice enough guy. He’s enthusiastic, seems friendly, and people seem to like him well enough. But like Rachael Ray, he’s not exactly known for being a connoisseur of fine foods.
In fact, he recently opened a restaurant in Times Square that was heavily panned. That’s why it’s kind of ridiculous that he’s getting into the wine business. Guy Fieri is a guy you’d expect to drink a fruity margarita, not a fine wine. We’re going to go ahead and bet his wine will be sold inboxes. It’s just way too fitting, isn’t it?
Tico Torres’ Baby Clothes
You probably don’t know the name Tico Torres, but you’re no doubt familiar with some of his work. He’s an incredibly successful drummer, and you’d no doubt recognize some of his stuff as soon as we tell you he’s the drummer for Bon Jovi.
So basically, he’s a drummer for an 80’s hairband that was always a little too pop to ever gain serious credibility as a real rock and roll group. Still, you would probably never guess that he’s made a pretty successful living on the side with line of…baby clothes?
Oh, man. Yeah, ol’ Tico has his own line called Rock Star Baby, which enables parents to dress their toddlers to look like “rocker” douchebags. So next time you see some parents trying to dress their kid “cool” but instead making him look like an absolute tool, Tico Torres may be to blame.
Justin Bieber’s Perfume
At this point, let’s be honest: Justin Bieber could put his name on anything and flocks of idiot girls would run to the store to buy it hand over fist.
But you’d think as he tries to pass himself off as a badass despite weighing approximately 90 pounds and looking exactly like Miley Cyrus, he’d try to endorse products like, you know, pimp juice or hockey pucks.
Because he’s Canadian, you see. But nope, instead, he’s got his own line of perfumes, because apparently for the Biebs it’s not enough to just look pretty, he wants to spell pretty, as well.
David Lynch’s Coffee
David Lynch is one messed up dude. Or at least, that’s the impression you get watching any of his movies or TV shows.
The man behind Twin Peaks, The Elephant Man, and Mulholland Drive is one of the quirkiest filmmakers out there, and it’s actually a little hard to fathom him endorsing any product at all, let alone something you could conceivably find in a convenience store.
Okay, so it would have to be a really off the wall convenience store with a clerk wearing his clothes backward, speaking in tongues, and who may possibly be an alien, but still, the fact that David Lynch has his own line of coffee is fairly mindboggling. But maybe that’s the point. After all, we are talking about the guy who created Twin Peaks, one of the most mindboggling television shows of all-time.
Steven Seagal’s Energy Drink
Man, Steven Seagal is a guy who can do just about anything. Or at least, that’s what he seems to think. The former martial arts champion became an action star despite the very distinct fact that he can’t exactly, you know, the act has also made music albums and worked in law enforcement.
Don’t believe us? There’s a former reality show to prove that second part. So how does a guy Seagal’s age get the energy to do all of these crazy things? That’s easy! He drinks Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt energy drink!
We would like to think that he came up with the name when telling people that he farts thunder and pisses lightning, and when someone tried to helpfully explain that’s not how urination works, he roundhouses kicked them in the face.
