Gold is actually an intensely useful metal these days. As a great conductor it’s part of your day-to-day electronics use. Thanks to cell phones, video players and that shoddy old computer out in the garage, you’ve probably thrown out more gold than most peasants from a century of two ago would see in their lives. And yet you’re probably still the modern equivalent of a peasant. Progress!
Of course, to most people, gold is a sign of how wealthy you are. People buy flashy gold jewelry, gold cars, and gold belt buckles just to prove how rich we are to other people, as if they actually cared. And as if that doesn’t make you a raging douchebag.
But some people just have to go that extra mile and (since it’s what’s on the inside that counts) make their colons golden. So we present to you the ways the super-rich are wasting gold.
1.
Gold Chocolate
This, according to the sales text, is six fingers of chocolate covered in “edible gold.” In other words, it’s basically six candy bars covered in gold flakes. This is apparently supposed to express how much you love your significant other. That’s what love is about: wasting tons and tons of money on useless crap that will give them, at best, a fleeting moment of pleasure and possibly some very sparkly surprises about five to ten hours later.
Also, when you open the box, it plays “Gold Digger”, which is only appropriate because who else would you buy this for?
2.
Gold Cigars
Yes, this is a gold cigar. No, it’s not just spray-painted gold, which is about what you’d expect. Yes, that’s real, burnable gold leaf wrapped around a cigar. No, it’s not even a Cuban, it’s a Dominican. The copy on the website says “gold and cigars” have been universal symbols of power and success for “centuries”, which is funny because cigar smoking has only been around for…let’s see here… about a century or so.
This also ignores the demographics of people who actually smokes cigars. When we last checked, it worked out to be something like: 3% normal people, 45% crusty old guys, and 52% people with too much money or those made of pure evil. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a fat cat in the movies smoking anything other than a cigar? Then again, the target market for this product probably thinks they’re Gordon Gekko.
Also, since the gold doesn’t change the flavor, nobody seems to have pointed out that combining gold and cigars may be a sign of power, but it’s also a sign that you can’t buy good taste.
3.
Gold Lollipop
Leaving aside the creepy “I’m barely legal” look on the model’s face, there’s nothing about this product that isn’t just kind of wrong. Do you know anybody above the age of twelve that eats a lollipop that size? Do you know anybody who gives them out to people who ISN’T a creepy child molester? Who is this aimed at? The pervert in the unmarked white van in front of a very exclusive private school?
We would have liked to have been in on the meeting when this was developed. “OK, there’s gold chocolate…we’ve got gold cigars…what else can we make gold? There’s literally nothing left.” Then a small child wanders in, sucking on a lollipop. “Eureka!”
4.
Gold vodka
Yep, it’s vodka that has gold flakes floating in it, making it just as classy and stylish as everybody’s favorite throatburner, Goldschlager. We’re guessing the guys making this either haven’t heard of said “delicious” cinnamon schnapps or are really, really hoping that you’ve never heard of it.
How classy is this vodka? So classy that they won’t tell you what they make it out of, just that it’s “quadruple distilled”. For all we know, that’s quadruple distilled windshield washer fluid without the blue coloring. It could be paint thinner. It probably SHOULD be paint thinner, considering what this stuff costs.
This is what happens when somebody realizes that you can just lie about the quality of the vodka, and if it’s got gold in it, the frivolous rich won’t care.
