Some of the best music in history is the result of artists coming together for the sake of their craft. However, just because you have friends that can sing doesn’t mean that they should and just because you have access to Snoop Dogg’s recording studio doesn’t mean you should ever set foot inside of it.
1.
Album: “Fabio After Dark”
Artist:
Fabio
Guests:
Billy Ocean, Force M.D.’s, Kashif, Hi-Five, The Stylistics, Barry White, and presumably Fabio’s abs
It’s pretty obvious why Fabio would use so many guest musicians on his opus “Fabio After Dark”. Fabio’s appeal is that he is easy on the eyes. Ladies know it and guys deny it as they masturbate themselves to sleep. But Fabio’s career was based on just that: being looked at. Speaking was never his strong point, primarily because he never quite wrapped his head around the English language, as his accent will readily attest to (assuming you can hear the words through it).
However, calling these musicians “guests” is a bit dishonest considering they make the only real music on the album. Each has their own track devoid of any Fabio at all. Meanwhile, the Italian slice of beefcake spends his time talking over soft music, enlightening us on such subjects as tropical islands, surprising your lover, and the nature of humor.
At one point Fabio does attempt to sing and it really is as scary as you’d expect. Not only does he avoid choking on his own bewildering words, he also describes a “love attack”. From what we can surmise, this involves a tub of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and a tire iron.
2.
Album: “Be A Man
Artist:
“Macho Man” Randy Savage, aka Randy Poffo
Guests:
DJ Kool
If there’s one thing that Randy Savage can claim as a talent it isn’t rapping. His voice, though one of his many trademarks, doesn’t exactly lend itself to the melodic arts. Why he chose to rap for his 2003 release Be A Man is anyone’s guess, though it should be noted that it wasn’t the first time he tried his hand at the craft.
By 2003, the world had been cured of its Macho Madness. To help boost the album’s star power, DJ Kool (a.k.a. DJ Kool Herc) was called in to guest rap on the track “Hit the Floor.” Kool is perhaps best known for “Let Me Clear My Throat,” which in turn is perhaps better known as “That Song From Drumline.”
What was produced from this clash of the titans? The sound of two men who were clearly half-assing it. DJ Kool plays up the useless directions in rap songs cliché to the max with Say I am, Now say ya name/ Say where ya come from, Now scream/ Somebody say I am, Now say ya name/ Say where ya come from, Now scream. Meanwhile Savage’s only verse is dedicated to reminding people that he’s currently rapping and that he used to be a wrestler, as though we had already forgotten what he was doing currently or what made him famous enough to warrant a terrible album in the first place. Apparently Bonesaw wasn’t ready for the music industry.
3.
Song: “Money for Nothing/Beverly Hillbillies”
Artist:
Weird Al
Guests:
Mark Knopfler
Parody musician Weird Al is actual a class act. Before he releases one of his songs, he always tries to get the okay from the artist whom he is parodying, something he’s not required by law to do. In the past this has lead to some artists out right denying him, including Prince. Despite this Al maintains a good working relationship with many mainstream acts.
A man with too much dignity.
While working on the soundtrack to his film UHF, he concocted the idea of singing the lyrics to the Beverly Hillbillies theme song:
With the Dire Straits hit “Money For Nothing” below:
However, Dire Straits guitarist Mark Knopfler would only agree to the parody if he himself played guitar on the recording, effectively accomplishing nothing.
Seriously, take a moment to think about that: what was the point of such a requirement? To keep filthy hands off of his vaunted guitar solo? Man, if Knopfler ever walked into any high-school in America he would discover that people have been butchering his music for the better part of thirty years. Well, if there are any kids left that know who “Dire Straits” were.
