Admit it. You love bacon. You might be a vegan, but you still love the smell. Bacon is universal. Bacon is beloved. Bacon… is love. Every year, in the U.S. alone, more than 1.7 billion lbs. of bacon are consumed, and that’s merely what is used in professional foodservice. Add what is sold through grocery stores for home use, and that number doubles. That comes to around 9 pounds per citizen, per year, just in the U.S. That is a lot of pork belly.
Obviously, we love us some salt and smoke cured pork product. We love lots of flavors of food, and the food industry has accommodated us by transferring those flavors to other forms so that we may enjoy them in new ways. Stop a second and think of how many strawberry-flavored things you know or consume regularly. But bacon has just stayed bacon. Well, until now anyway. The companies that have served us such delights as orange cupcakes, blue raspberry lip gloss, and pickle and popcorn flavored bubble gum have seen the light, or at least the potential profit, from bacon, and frankly they may have lost their minds, as witness:
Admit it. You love bacon. You might be a vegan, but you still love the smell. Bacon is universal. Bacon is beloved. Bacon… is love. Every year, in the U.S. alone, more than 1.7 billion lbs. of bacon are consumed, and that’s merely what is used in professional foodservice. Add what is sold through grocery stores for home use, and that number doubles. That comes to around 9 pounds per citizen, per year, just in the U.S. That is a lot of pork belly.
Obviously, we love us some salt and smoke cured pork product. We love lots of flavors of food, and the food industry has accommodated us by transferring those flavors to other forms so that we may enjoy them in new ways. Stop a second and think of how many strawberry-flavored things you know or consume regularly. But bacon has just stayed bacon. Well, until now anyway. The companies that have served us such delights as orange cupcakes, blue raspberry lip gloss, and pickle and popcorn flavored bubble gum have seen the light, or at least the potential profit, from bacon, and frankly they may have lost their minds, as witness:
Bacon gumballs. Some people like their bacon chewy, we get that. This may be a bit chewier than they hoped for, though. Also, what picture comes to your mind when you hear the term “Bacon Balls”? Probably not this. And while the Jelly Belly company may have revolutionized the flavored jelly bean market with their audacious flavor selection, somehow this seems a mite too far:
Why not just dip the stuff in chocolate and be done with it, right? Glad you suggested it:
Mo’s Dark Chocolate Bacon Bar. To quote from the description ; “applewood smoked bacon + Alder wood smoked salt + dark chocolate 62% cacao”. Actually that’s the entire description. No flowery language, no hyperbole, just bacon+chocolate, plus the cost and size. Likely springing from the chocolate covered pretzel, which gave way to the similar coated potato chip. People like chocolate covered salty things right? What’s saltier than bacon? Of course it may also have come from an old episode of the Simpsons, where it was eaten by Homer, as a joking way of displaying his unreal gluttony. Which is kind of the point we are trying to make here. Many, if not all of the products on this list were undoubtedly, at one time or another, suggested as jokes. You know; “he’s so damned fat he’d probably eat chocolate covered bacon if they made it! Haw-Haw!” Well, they do make it and durned if they don’t also say there is an obesity problem these days. Coincidence? Maybe if everyone just concentrated on proper eating habits, such as starting the day with a good breakfast.
Ever oversleep? You know, you need a hearty breakfast, but just don’t have the time left. In today’s rush rush rush, hurry up world, what is a busy workin’ man to do? Why just lace your morning joe liberally with bacon of course! We can only assume this will eventually give way to the genius of oatmeal flavored orange juice, and of course new Eggs Benedict Crunch Cereal, now with even more hollandaise! But if you need to clear the air after cooking those things up, why not bring it back to that bacon smell you know and love:
Bacon scented air freshener. This is actually not the worst idea on this list. As we previously stated, most people love the smell of bacon cooking, and Lord knows there are more bizarre scents available (Moroccan breeze we’re looking at you) but stop and think about this for a second. Look at that picture. That’s pretty realistic looking bacon. And in most fresheners the smell only lasts for a week or so. So if people passing and looking into your car are going to think you hung real bacon from your mirror anyway…wouldn’t it be cheaper and more environmentally friendly to just chuck an extra slice on your dash after breakfast?
Bacon flavored envelopes. Now don’t get us wrong, this just has to be an improvement on the usual toad mucus flavor that envelopes come in, and attempts have been made in the past to improve the taste, but how did we make the leap from mint flavor to bacon?! Of course it’ll probably soon be a moot point anyway. How many people do you know that even send mail anyway? Hey, maybe this will help reverse that trend.
Well, no… no it won’t. But it’s bacon! And so is this:
Okay, we admit it, we’re cheating a little. This is not merely bacon flavored. It is laced with maple, which is of course bacon’s favorite drinking buddy. In our defense, however, may we point out that this is a freaking bacon-maple flavored lollipop! Interestingly the company that makes this concoction (Lollyphile, in case you were wondering, the mere mention of which probably puts this list on some sort of FBI watchlist) also makes an Absinthe flavored lolly, samples of which likely led to the creation of our featured item here.
Now they are just getting silly with this. We brush and rinse our mouths to rid ourselves of smells like this, don’t we? In an effort to endure that mankind never again gives the appearance of self-maintenance, this same company also makes:
so you could probably do your uppers with the bacon, your lowers with the ranch and have a floss meal! All that’s missing is the salad! Oh wait:
Bacon. Flavored. Vodka. Okey-dokey. Admittedly, this would probably make Bloody Marys an interesting drink again, but who thinks of something like this? Who was sitting in a bar one night, half-snockered, and said to themselves as they sipped their Stolichnaya, “Hhhmmm, this needs salty smoke and pork flavor”? Probably one of the same schmucks who came up with Clam flavored Tomato juice. In fact, we just came up with a can’t miss, sure-fire way to get rich. We’ll figure out how to combine the bacon vodka with tomato juice and whatever they are flavoring that salad floss with, and bottle our own liquor, the BLT in a bottle! (All of you investors interested in making us rich from this idea may contact the author through Weirdworm.)
One of the chief architects of the bacon revolution, J & Ds has slathered that pure pork flavor into just about everything you can think of, and several that only they thought of. Most of the items found previously on this list at least have some sort of practicality or necessity, if only the novelty thereof. Lip Balm? Hard to believe bacon was ever even on the radar screen for something as utilitarian as lip balm, but there it is.
One of the harshest problems facing today’s aspiring bacon entrepreneur is the fact that most of these items will be perceived merely as novelties. The largely jaded audience of today will patronize them for a while, get bored, and wander off toward the trout-flavored body butter, or the filet mignon laced toothpaste or whatever. How then do you ensure the next generation of bacon addicts, especially those indoctrinated to your particular brand of bacon goodness? J & Ds has solved that problem handily, we think, and we fully support federal law mandating bacon flavor being added to everything school children won’t eat, including the milk.
Written by David Johnson – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.net
Image Sources
Image sources:
- http://store.offbeattreats.com/merchant2/graphics/00000001/candy-bacongumballs.jpg http://www.work-killer.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/baconproducts/8.jpg http://www.vosgeschocolate.com/images/uploads/darbac_Th.jpg http://rosedesrochers.todays-woman.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/Maple_Bacon_Morning_Coffee-large-228×300.jpg http://www.work-killer.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/baconproducts/9.jpg http://www.work-killer.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/baconproducts/13.jpg http://f00.inventorspot.com/images/bacon12new.jpg http://www.musingsofamuse.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Bacon-Floss-1.jpg http://www.musingsofamuse.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Bacon-Floss-5.jpg http://www.musingsofamuse.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Bacon-Floss-4.jpg http://www.work-killer.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/baconproducts/10.jpg http://www.work-killer.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/baconproducts/1.jpg http://rosedesrochers.todays-woman.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/BACON-BABY-FORMULA-254×300.jpg
